To welcome my new year, I made a brand new blog to post my short stories, daily photos/365, and general updates on anything and everything. Unlike last year, I intend to make 2013 a year I'll be proud of next year.
It's incredible how I went from having the best time of my life a year ago today to the shittiest hours of my adult life on the last day of last year. I made many errors last year that reflected a poor side of my character and I hurt the person I love the most in the worst way. There is no justification of my actions or what I used to be, there is only an incessant regret that continues to burrow through my chest. I learned that most people won't need you, but the ones that do actually need you--really, really, really need you. I learned that regardless of any situation or circumstance, lying is never an option. Communication is a key factor to obtaining a thorough understanding of others' feelings, don't ever assume anything based off a round of aimless overthinking. I'm not saying that one shouldn't think, though, one should always think about every possible outcome before making a decision.But sometimes the constant onslaught of thoughts can be detrimental to our judgement. I learned that I should never put others without my interests in mind before myself, it only leads to chaos. It's not worth it, and here's why: everyone is inherently selfish, some more than others, some less than others. I was too selfish last year and I was unable to find peace because of this. I let the darkest parts of me deteriorate my sense of reason and judgement, and in the end it gravely cost me. I would give anything in this world to rewind every moment I acted out of hand and made poor choices. It pains my heart to live in my current reality, knowing I was the root of it. I wish everything had been different, I wish I had been out of here sooner. Most importantly, I learned that you never quit what you truly want. You fight for it until you can't fight anymore, until every last word remains etched in each others minds for weeks. There is no such thing as giving up something you truly love, it's always there inside of you. It sirs and stirs until you swear your chest in one big knot of stressed fiber. Who knows, everything could have been different. Or maybe this is me slinging myself into another void of over thought. I get lost in my thoughts of you and every word you said to me. They echo through the recesses of my subconscious every time I see, smell, or taste something alluding to you.
You're spending time away, far away, and I don't know how to deal with all of that at once, so I'm taking small steps. I need to stay on track of my short term and long term goals, I need to stay busy. I can't afford to slack off and be unproductive, because I literally wasted a whole semester doing that last year and now I'm paying the price and it isn't fucking cheap. Sigh, but I guess now I know what to expect of myself and the bar is currently hard to meet. I'm not disillusioned by the amount of work I'll have to be doing soon though, it's going to be a viable opportunity to rebuild my life up from the mess I put myself in. I wish you would believe in me, but I don't deserve even that. I know, but I guess I can always hope. A new year, a new slate.
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