V-LLA

"A villanelle about her."

REALITY versus FANTASY

I can't say I'm not hurt, disillusioned, broken&damaged, but I can't say that I'm going to bring my life to a halt either.I cannot, I cannot, I cannot afford to lose my shit and let shit crumble around me again. That's not how it works, that's not how I fucking work. Shit just fucking happens sometimes, I have had plenty of experience with that so many times in my life. This could just be another one of those things that just so happens to happen, and well, there's nothing I can do about it now. I am tired of being in the dark recesses of my mind, I am fed up with feeling like a failure constantly, and I am exhausted of the anxiousness that grabs me by all my senses and murders the spirit of my will. But regardless of how wretched and destroyed I feel right now, I know that these 'hard feelings' (as she called them) will leave me; that my frustrations and anger will wilt to the point of absolute extinction and I will find the clarity I yearn for in my heart. I can't even phrase how I feel toward her right now, but I know that at the end of the day it's her that burns through my mind and body, it's her that'll always be 'the one--the one that got away.' But ... One day I will wake up and find that all these feelings of disillusion will be gone and that I will not think of her and what happened with sadness, but with a peace of mind that will only help me keep growing. I want to feel fresh and alive again--pumping with life that would make even the daredevils jealous, blowing up with the joy of creativity, and the exhilaration of standing by our sisters in this treacherous reality we're subject to. A voice in my head keeps whispering the same thing lately: 

"Let go or get dragged." 

FACE OF LOVE AND

You reached into the hollow haywire of my chest and seized the reins of my evanescent soul. You didn’t just take it though, you shook it until it literally ushered me to life with not cries of grief, but cries of tender joy and poignant love. Your evocative taste drove me mad from the start, and I swear I couldn’t see anything else. I still can’t see anything but you.. Wide-eyed with a grin tugging on those pink lips, those freckles I can’t resist, you smile at me and I feel like a million fucking bucks. You smile and I blow over a dozen times like a hurricane wreaking havoc on the shanty limbs of a poor neighborhood. When I lay down in my own bed at night, I can feel your arms around me with their gentle touch molding the rhythm of your desire. You’d feel my eyes on you and I would not hold back, screaming, moaning, gasping, “I love you.. I love you, I love you, I love you so fucking much, fuckkk.” The thought of you gets me too hot; I shudder and I twitch to the end of your name and the way you look when you’re fucking me. I turn to the side and see you looking at me, smiling at me, I smile. I smile and finally let go for a change. I’m in love and it will never stop growing inside of me. 

GETTING TO KNOW CRYSTAL BONILLA

Communications 11-8:00

Professor Kahn

02/14/2013

USED TO BE

Silence doesn't mean my heart won't beat,

words of scorn won't wear me thin.

I can choose to grow or rot,

I can choose.

\\

RAINBOW DRIVE

Sometimes I am convinced I'm all alone, like no one cares enough. I know people care about me though, I know this with all my heart, but why do I feel so alone? Have I always been alone? Am I just lonely? Am I just depressed? Am I just fucking sad? What the hell is even wrong with me? I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I fail and disappoint everyone I love, what am I then? Just a failure? Does a seven letter word sum me up in her eyes? I feel like she really hates me sometimes, I don't know if that's okay. Is it okay? I don't know what to do or say anymore, I think I'm just going to shut up for awhile and cry. I don't know how to deal with anything the right way, but there's probably not a right way to deal with anything anyways. There aren't any fucking rainbows anywhere. I'm getting so tired of crying, but I'll never stop crying now, everywhere I turn there is sadness;

everywhere i turn there is sadness,

everywhere i run to there is sadness,

everyone i love is full of sadness.

it's just sad, sad,

sad.

EAGER EYES

I cannot express the amount of happiness that mounds the layers of my heart. In a world in which happiness has been such a difficult concept for me to grasp, there has been only one person capable of making ' happy ' an actual phenomenon. I don't think I can ever thank her enough, and I won't ever stop letting her know just how much she means to me. As I sit here in the solace of my bedroom, I laugh in half embarrassment and half triumph at the person I was six months ago, one year ago, two years ago. I've come a long way from the cynical and half-assed teenager I used to be, I developed a clarity in my life that had never been there before. The first decade of my life left me in a fog of delusion, a separate reality that I sought after to ignore the events that I had no control over. I can't deny the impact of anything that has happened to me anymore, which is why things are different for me now. I've accepted everything and everything's accepted me. I know now that it doesn't have to matter half as hard if I don't want it to, life is a mutable experience after all, and so am I. I'm okay with how life has treated me up to this point, it's helped me crawl out of the maternal shell of dependence and into the reality of responsibility. I grow and learn with each passing day, but the process is never over. There are countless things I have yet to discover about myself, about her, and about life, but these three things I must master by the end of my life or die trying to. I want my life to be a mania full of passion, undying in fervor and eagerness, and always teeming on the brim with love.

LOVE HOUND

Love hound,

booze hound,

I'm always looking

for ways to do me in.

I cannot stand the way

you make me feel

all the fucking time.

You beat endlessly 

through my veins

and wrench the 

seams of my sick,

sad heart. 

\\

ILL THOUGHTS

Place your hand in mine,

let me trace the rhythm

of your eager pulse.

I know you crave the

corners of my mind,

don't be scared. 

\\

BLURRY VISION

I  feel terrible for not updating my blog since the beginning of the year, but so many new things have happened! I moved into my new place; it's a tiny little single that barely fits all of my stuff, but it makes me really happy. I have never lived alone and this new life has taught me many things about independence and taking care of yourself. I grew up rather spoiled and rotten because of my mother's incessant adoration, so it's been rather hard for me over the past three years to adjust. However, I think this time I've really settled into it. I can do it, I can live alone and be alone.

2013 RESOLUTIONS

Today marked the start of winter session and I couldn't have been happier than I was when I walked out my door and saw the sun shining bright on me on the way to the bus stop. I don't care if it sounds nerdy, but I really couldn't wait to get to my class and start diving into the new material. I'm taking a a geography class to make up the one I bombed last spring. Originally, I wasn't so sure how to feel how about it, but after the first class today, I feel confident and comfortable enough with the professor's teaching style and the context of the course that I'm positive I'll get the grade I want. Even though I'm not that into natural sciences, I like the fact it's a challenge. I feel like I stayed in the safe zone last year and sort of let my laziness become a hindrance to my overall learning. I'm ready to change this and become a productive college student from now on. It's never too late to  leave the life of procrastination! (Or at least try to, right?) Speaking of change and productivity, I found an incredibly helpful new years resolution guide on LitReactor to establish some solid and concrete resolutions and goals to improve my writing and overall confidence.

My Resolutions:

"Make your goals as specific as possible. Vague “I’ll write more” kind of resolutions are way too easy to fudge...Consistency is the magic behind establishing new habits. "

    [1.] I will write for 30 minutes or 500 words a day.

WELCOME TO THE NEW YEAR

 To welcome my new year, I made a brand new blog to post my short stories, daily photos/365, and  general updates on anything and everything. Unlike last year, I intend to make 2013 a year I'll be proud of next year.