V-LLA

"A villanelle about her."

REALITY versus FANTASY

I can't say I'm not hurt, disillusioned, broken&damaged, but I can't say that I'm going to bring my life to a halt either.I cannot, I cannot, I cannot afford to lose my shit and let shit crumble around me again. That's not how it works, that's not how I fucking work. Shit just fucking happens sometimes, I have had plenty of experience with that so many times in my life. This could just be another one of those things that just so happens to happen, and well, there's nothing I can do about it now. I am tired of being in the dark recesses of my mind, I am fed up with feeling like a failure constantly, and I am exhausted of the anxiousness that grabs me by all my senses and murders the spirit of my will. But regardless of how wretched and destroyed I feel right now, I know that these 'hard feelings' (as she called them) will leave me; that my frustrations and anger will wilt to the point of absolute extinction and I will find the clarity I yearn for in my heart. I can't even phrase how I feel toward her right now, but I know that at the end of the day it's her that burns through my mind and body, it's her that'll always be 'the one--the one that got away.' But ... One day I will wake up and find that all these feelings of disillusion will be gone and that I will not think of her and what happened with sadness, but with a peace of mind that will only help me keep growing. I want to feel fresh and alive again--pumping with life that would make even the daredevils jealous, blowing up with the joy of creativity, and the exhilaration of standing by our sisters in this treacherous reality we're subject to. A voice in my head keeps whispering the same thing lately: 

"Let go or get dragged." 

TAKE ME BACK

I left my soul in San Francisco last night.

FACE OF LOVE AND

You reached into the hollow haywire of my chest and seized the reins of my evanescent soul. You didn’t just take it though, you shook it until it literally ushered me to life with not cries of grief, but cries of tender joy and poignant love. Your evocative taste drove me mad from the start, and I swear I couldn’t see anything else. I still can’t see anything but you.. Wide-eyed with a grin tugging on those pink lips, those freckles I can’t resist, you smile at me and I feel like a million fucking bucks. You smile and I blow over a dozen times like a hurricane wreaking havoc on the shanty limbs of a poor neighborhood. When I lay down in my own bed at night, I can feel your arms around me with their gentle touch molding the rhythm of your desire. You’d feel my eyes on you and I would not hold back, screaming, moaning, gasping, “I love you.. I love you, I love you, I love you so fucking much, fuckkk.” The thought of you gets me too hot; I shudder and I twitch to the end of your name and the way you look when you’re fucking me. I turn to the side and see you looking at me, smiling at me, I smile. I smile and finally let go for a change. I’m in love and it will never stop growing inside of me. 

sin título

"Seré lo que tú quieras
cuando las hojas caigan.
La adivina seré detra de la ventana.
Cuando llegues, no pensaremos más,
nada extrañaremos,
bastará la luz de nuestros cuerpos.
Para que se iluminen los paisajes."

-Silvia Tomasa Rivera

ALLEN GINSBERG

The sky looked so emotional today and I wondered why. It looked beautiful setting.