BUT HER WORDS DRIVE NEEDLES THROUGH MY SKIN

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CRTCLKTTN:  It's been ten months since my last post. It's February 2014 now and I guess it's really over between me and Harriet now. I know it isn't good for me to be writing this post right now since it will definitely torture me later... But alas, there's nothing else but the emotions I can't forget or get rid of. I feel like they are locked inside of me, clashing against the walls of my willpower and determination. There are days when I wake up full of life and competence to become the person I want to be: strong. And then there are the days I detest in which I wake full of anguish, vapid loneliness, and like no one in the fucking world understands me anymore. When I lost you, I lost my love, I lost my first everything, I lost my bestest friend, I lost the one person I felt--GENUINELY felt--that understood the darkest parts of me that not many could. I feel like I shrink, get smaller, every time I remember how much I lost when I lost you. It's like half of me was hacked off with a sledgehammer by someone and the half that survived began to rot in my own hands.

 I don't want to feel like I am less than a whole person, but that's how I feel nowadays. I've been lying to myself, my friends, and my mother a little about being okay, about moving forward,  because there's still so much love inside of me for you and I don't know what to do with it. It burns through me and drives needles through my skin when I remember everything you said to me that night. You cried and I cried, and we both cried, because there was nothing else, nothing left. But what am I supposed to do with all of this love left inside of me? How do I get it out? Will it ever get out? I know it's terrible of me to say that, but I am suffering so much because I still love you even though you're not good for me. I'm still so in love with who you were to me.

I wish I could gather all my feelings and thoughts of you and put them in a glass jar with a tight seal where no one, not you, not me, can open it. I would put it on my shelf with the rest of the books that you ended up giving to me and only look at it when I was brave enough to face the loss I feel so heavy in my heart, my chest: in me. Can I say I miss the way you smiled at and loved me? Can I say I miss the way you would hold me tight and protect me from everything and anyone? Can I say I miss the way you slept against me, always so warm like a space heater? Can I say I miss walking up to your car and nervously get in to see you? I don't know if I literally can anymore, I don't dare speak those words out loud. Saying them out loud would only make them a reality that I can't bare. As long as they are merely thoughts flooding my mind within the conscious, I can stay safe.

I am not fond of the loneliness that has settled into my life again since you have left. There is no one sleeping in the empty space you once filled in my life and in my heart. I am continuously disappointed by others and my expectations are too high for many to meet, so I've decided to love only myself now. If no one else will love me for who I am, I am the only one who will. I will learn to passionately and mindlessly love myself more than you ever could have. I don't need ultimatums to prove how real and truthful my love is to myself, it will be a rhetorical reality. I will know I love myself and I don't want to care if no one does. It is difficult, however, when one is so obsessed with affection, love, and passion. That's why I say I don't want to care, because the truth is I do care (too much). I have no regrets of the love I shared with you, I will always treasure the moments we had together. They taught me how to live freely, breathe calmly, and love passionately.

 I learned so much from you that I may never forget you. And I guess that's what ruins me right now and right here. I'll remember what you meant to me for the rest of my life and I'm not sure at all what it will mean five or ten years from now when our realities change completely, when we will have grown out of this 'phase of life' as you called it once. I don't know where the world will take you, I only know it is far from me, because we are no longer here together. I am now in a distant void far from here, far from reach. I don't want to be found by anyone, I want to find myself in that field and embrace myself and thank myself for staying alive; for making it all this way alive and well, alive and happy.

REALITY versus FANTASY

I can't say I'm not hurt, disillusioned, broken&damaged, but I can't say that I'm going to bring my life to a halt either.I cannot, I cannot, I cannot afford to lose my shit and let shit crumble around me again. That's not how it works, that's not how I fucking work. Shit just fucking happens sometimes, I have had plenty of experience with that so many times in my life. This could just be another one of those things that just so happens to happen, and well, there's nothing I can do about it now. I am tired of being in the dark recesses of my mind, I am fed up with feeling like a failure constantly, and I am exhausted of the anxiousness that grabs me by all my senses and murders the spirit of my will. But regardless of how wretched and destroyed I feel right now, I know that these 'hard feelings' (as she called them) will leave me; that my frustrations and anger will wilt to the point of absolute extinction and I will find the clarity I yearn for in my heart. I can't even phrase how I feel toward her right now, but I know that at the end of the day it's her that burns through my mind and body, it's her that'll always be 'the one--the one that got away.' But ... One day I will wake up and find that all these feelings of disillusion will be gone and that I will not think of her and what happened with sadness, but with a peace of mind that will only help me keep growing. I want to feel fresh and alive again--pumping with life that would make even the daredevils jealous, blowing up with the joy of creativity, and the exhilaration of standing by our sisters in this treacherous reality we're subject to. A voice in my head keeps whispering the same thing lately: 

"Let go or get dragged." 

LOVE HOUND

Love hound,

booze hound,

I'm always looking

for ways to do me in.

I cannot stand the way

you make me feel

all the fucking time.

You beat endlessly 

through my veins

and wrench the 

seams of my sick,

sad heart. 

\\

ILL THOUGHTS

Place your hand in mine,

let me trace the rhythm

of your eager pulse.

I know you crave the

corners of my mind,

don't be scared. 

\\

SUZIE Q: I

I didn't know what else to do but listen to the records my stepfather gave to me. The distinct sentiment that hung in the air when I played one after another made me think about the classic image he would always reiterate his stories with. I was never sure why he was also confident, I never bothered to find out either. A placid expression falls on his face when he realizes where he's at now, where he's driving, and how many years have gone by. Why does it matter now? Idle thoughts will always fall short of significant. I stared at the record spin aimlessly on the turntable, part one of the song was over. My thoughts of her folded throughout the corners of my mind until the words settled. I love her like none other, but her words drive needles through my skin. I want her to feel better, to heal, to finally be happy. How do I make it happen when nothing I do makes a difference? She says it's all on her, but I feel so useless it's dragging a stake through my heart.