sin título

"Seré lo que tú quieras
cuando las hojas caigan.
La adivina seré detra de la ventana.
Cuando llegues, no pensaremos más,
nada extrañaremos,
bastará la luz de nuestros cuerpos.
Para que se iluminen los paisajes."

-Silvia Tomasa Rivera

ALLEN GINSBERG

The sky looked so emotional today and I wondered why. It looked beautiful setting.

GETTING TO KNOW CRYSTAL BONILLA

Communications 11-8:00

Professor Kahn

02/14/2013

USED TO BE

Silence doesn't mean my heart won't beat,

words of scorn won't wear me thin.

I can choose to grow or rot,

I can choose.

\\

RAINBOW DRIVE

Sometimes I am convinced I'm all alone, like no one cares enough. I know people care about me though, I know this with all my heart, but why do I feel so alone? Have I always been alone? Am I just lonely? Am I just depressed? Am I just fucking sad? What the hell is even wrong with me? I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I fail and disappoint everyone I love, what am I then? Just a failure? Does a seven letter word sum me up in her eyes? I feel like she really hates me sometimes, I don't know if that's okay. Is it okay? I don't know what to do or say anymore, I think I'm just going to shut up for awhile and cry. I don't know how to deal with anything the right way, but there's probably not a right way to deal with anything anyways. There aren't any fucking rainbows anywhere. I'm getting so tired of crying, but I'll never stop crying now, everywhere I turn there is sadness;

everywhere i turn there is sadness,

everywhere i run to there is sadness,

everyone i love is full of sadness.

it's just sad, sad,

sad.

EAGER EYES

I cannot express the amount of happiness that mounds the layers of my heart. In a world in which happiness has been such a difficult concept for me to grasp, there has been only one person capable of making ' happy ' an actual phenomenon. I don't think I can ever thank her enough, and I won't ever stop letting her know just how much she means to me. As I sit here in the solace of my bedroom, I laugh in half embarrassment and half triumph at the person I was six months ago, one year ago, two years ago. I've come a long way from the cynical and half-assed teenager I used to be, I developed a clarity in my life that had never been there before. The first decade of my life left me in a fog of delusion, a separate reality that I sought after to ignore the events that I had no control over. I can't deny the impact of anything that has happened to me anymore, which is why things are different for me now. I've accepted everything and everything's accepted me. I know now that it doesn't have to matter half as hard if I don't want it to, life is a mutable experience after all, and so am I. I'm okay with how life has treated me up to this point, it's helped me crawl out of the maternal shell of dependence and into the reality of responsibility. I grow and learn with each passing day, but the process is never over. There are countless things I have yet to discover about myself, about her, and about life, but these three things I must master by the end of my life or die trying to. I want my life to be a mania full of passion, undying in fervor and eagerness, and always teeming on the brim with love.

LOVE HOUND

Love hound,

booze hound,

I'm always looking

for ways to do me in.

I cannot stand the way

you make me feel

all the fucking time.

You beat endlessly 

through my veins

and wrench the 

seams of my sick,

sad heart. 

\\

SELF CAPTURE: AQUA & ROSE

How's it wrong? I've been trying to figure out the answer. I never get an answer, I just think too much. I need to take a moment and remember to breathe again. I've forgotten how the air feels in my lungs.

ILL THOUGHTS

Place your hand in mine,

let me trace the rhythm

of your eager pulse.

I know you crave the

corners of my mind,

don't be scared. 

\\