mercury in fucking retrograde

silent treatment got me like, "are you fucking kidding me?"
I still can't believe this mercury in retrograde bullshit really got us fucked up,
I can't stand the fact we aren't talking, and it's somehow my fault?

I miss you, friend, but I still can't believe you
 and it hurts,
but I miss you and feel awful that everyone is upset with you,
angry with the rage of betrayal burning through the width of their veins,
rage against the artificial icy was of skin stretched across flesh,
Will you see what's happened here?

You took things from our friends house and that's why it can't be right;
I feel like I'm caught in the middle of something much more than me,
Much more than rationales can invite us to understand.

A

I don't even know how I feel about you now.

You are much more than a friend and yet 

I was never hoping for more than that. 

Yes, I am attracted by the lust in your eyes, 

but I should have never kissed you. 

 I am so confused by what this fucking means. 

The impact that this detachment will have on me 

is one I cannot express or fully grasp at the moment.

 I am scared to lose the light you gave my life up here. 

I never quite got my gratitude out there enough, but here it is, 

all of it, inside of my heart. 

It's written on the walls and 

forever indebted to your once kind words. 

so today, today, i will live in the 

shadow 

of your silence,

patiently,

 

until I can deal with myself 

and how much I have fucked up:

i am conitnously learnin though.

i want to keep learning about 

the different kinds of hearts 

that get attracted to mine 

and the qualities that i can 

offer to keep them alive

rather than dead.

forgive me for being selfish,

for forgetting that boundaries

were meant to be respected.

i am continously learning and growing,

but no one told me it'd be this painful. 

MY LOVERS AND I/SAN FRANCISCO

as midsummer night blues rings in my ears,

"it felt so good, it felt so right, somehow in between a midsummer's night,"

I have been living in San Francisco since last year's August. When I return from my trip to the motherland, I will have completed a whole year and that scares me more than anything in the world right now. One whole fucking year already gone by, time is truly incredible. It has such a massive impact on how I view my existence now, because there are no guarantees anywhere else in life but thedefinitive  limits of time, time, time. I give into its fabrication many times throughout my daily life and that unsettles me. I don't want to be bound by time, but it controls the universe I live inside of. I cannot limit my mind to it, I cannot let it limit others. Where are we trying to go? 

In San Francisco,

my lovers and I are able to take up as much space as we want to stand up for. 

we are not scared, we are not afraid, we are not ashamed to be ourselves 

and own every fucking minute of it.

In San Francisco,

my lovers and I are exactly what the name insinuates, i am not looking for anything in particular and yet i feel so much? it's almost annoying to let someone/anyone

 occupy my thoughts, my brain power, my energy.

I need to set boundaries again with myself, 

because in San Francisco, it is exhausting to care. 

positive memories in San Francisco before my trip:

I love working with my students, they are bright lights trapped in locked treasure boxes.

I am dying to to open every single one.

wish me luck, internet.

ocean relief.

"I drowned my feelings in the sea,

I dried up over on the beach."

flashback.

There are moments when I forget who I was and what has happened to get me to the point where I am right now. But mental triggers bring back a fleet of memories and my mind is immersed in the fragmented narrative I subconsciously called forth. I can't believe I've gotten this far and it hasn't even begun yet. This is only the beginning of something much greater. This year sings my name in a tune I can't help but marvel in. I'm throwing my carcass into the river and I will not look back.

anxiety.

Lately, I get scared of the thought of people getting close to me. And even though I feel so fucking lonely, the thought makes me feel so angry and upset. She has all the winning marks and I'm just a loser miles behind. I don't want to care about these things, but time and time again I realize this is a crushing part of who I am and I need to learn to deal with it the best way. It's not fair she gets to forget with someone else, it's easier that way. But I want to forget too and being afraid of others is getting in the way of taking that option. I guess I don't know what to do, It doesn't matter anyways. Does anyone even care??

The Artist

I'm an artist and my heart thrives on the ecstasy of emotion. It fills me and drains me at the same alarming extremes. I let the motions of my heartbeat wash me away from this somber hole I fell into.